A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Humor is reason gone mad.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.
I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.
I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?