A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.
I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.
If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.
She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.
What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.