A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!’
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
How young can you die of old age?
I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to it.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking,’ but I don’t have that much time.
I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?