Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

thanksgiving-funny-dog-1Thanksgiving is a holiday ripe for laughter. Family and friends gathering together, the potential for a culinary disaster, eating so much you feel like you’ll burst at the seams, and of course the whole crazy history of the event.

Your day is sure to include lots of laughter, but we’ll get the party started first with these hilarious Thanksgiving quotes:

“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”
— Jon Stewart

“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.”
— Kevin James

“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”
— Phyllis Diller

“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.”
— Mitch Hedberg

“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.”
— Johnny Carson

“I approximated the Black Friday experience at home by hurling myself into a wall a number of times and then ordering online.”
— Kumail Nanjiani

“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”
— Rita Rudner

“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
— Kenny Rogerson

“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.”
— Howie Mandel

“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.”
— Irv Kupcinet

“The funny thing about Thanksgiving, or any big meal, is that you spend 12 hours shopping for it, then go home and cook, chop, braise, and blanch. Then it’s gone in 20 minutes and everybody lies around sort of in a sugar coma, and then it takes four hours to clean it up.”
— Ted Allen

“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.”
— Stephen Colbert

“People always think of Chinese food as the go-to ethnic food when everything else is closed during the holidays, but Indian is a nice alternative. Plus – Indians? Thanksgiving? Kinda makes sense…”
— Erin Gibson

“This was a really, really big year for me. I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.”
— Andre Kelley

“I have had vegan Thanksgiving of tofurkey and soy gravy. And it’s not to say that Thanksgiving will ever justify the genocide of the Native Americans. But vegan Thanksgiving – that’s just spitting on the graves, isn’t it?”
— Hari Kondabolu

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving full of great food, good company and lots of laughter!

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